It Happened

So it’s been a minute since I did one of these and to be honest ALOT has happened but ALOT hasn’t happened.

Like for instants we are still in Lockdown but the Kids go back to School on Monday YAAAAAAY. This is slightly bitter sweet for as My eldest had to go back 2 week ago (I’ll explain further on) and my Youngest hasn’t NOT been in nursery the entire time but I will explain what I meant by “ALOT”

Soooo I have been doing Uni full time from home whilst trying to homeschool my very defiant 7 year old Diva whilst dealing with some head stuff whilst also being taunted by my Abusive Messy House so as you can imagine I went POP.

Now pop for you may mean you shout or cry and retreat to your bed for several days with the contents of your fridge and re-start Netflix for the 18th Time…but POP for me meant I began to have what I call an episode.

My Anxiety takes on its Own Voice during my episode which is actually very intrusive and shouty. The Voice is a man and he doesn’t have a name but he likes to become my flight in the Fight or Flight reaction that I get when things start to get overwhelming or stressful. He basically tells me to Walk and not stop for anything….

This can become quite dangerous as I won’t stop for traffic or people or cliffs for that matter (although I live in a town in Lancashire and haven’t seen a Cliff in a while) so as per my previous “episodes” if I have one of these types of reactions I must go to A&E.

So off I went to COVID Hospital to try and explain to several people what was happening and why…I actually wrote them a Note as by now I had started to not know what was real and what I thought was a dream..FUN

The room they put you in to keep you “SAFE” in A&E
Rapid COVID Test.

Fast Forward 9 Hours 1 cup of tea, 2 pieces of toast and a chat with 2 triage nurses, a COVID test,a social worker, some new medication, a MH person and a very chatty Taxi Driver who did not know where he was taking me. I was sent to a mental health respite care home. (FYI: COVID Test Negative)

My Room in respite was bigger than my living room & kitchen combined

Next Post Coming Soon: My Week in respite

Shoes Make Me Happy

I was talking to the Co-Parent the other night about how the girls needed new shoes and that I will take the oldest shopping for some that week.

“I need some boots…I don’t have many shoes”

He laughed and said I have too many shoes which I had honestly not taken into account how many I had until I started to list what each pair was and then I begun to think about how each pair made me feel.

Ugg Boots – Comfy, slip on, warm and cosy, remind me of winter, make me feel safe

Gucci Boots – sleek, soft leather, fitted, sexy and powerful

Vintage Manolo Blahnik Ankle Boots – stylish, confident, classy, ready to work

Adidas Running Shoes – relaxed, energetic, comfortable but active

I have many more of course, some I have worn only a handful of time, some that I call my sit down shoes as they can be worn only for a short time before I want to cut my toes off and of course my go to nipping out to pick the kids up pair.

What I did realise though, is that I may not of remembered each and every one of those pairs but I can remember each feeling or emotion that those Heels, Soles and Toes made me feel.

I guess I can now justify my 64 pairs of shoes now as happy or a sad pair and maybe one day I will get that Shoe Closet like Carrie Bradshaw but I don’t think my Co-parent would agree.

What to wear…the morning debate..wardrobe anxiety

I did something I wouldn’t normally do this morning…..I chose what to wear based on what I wanted to wear…?

I didn’t look up any trends, (wrong for a fashion student I know) I didn’t pull 10 things out and put together pretend me on the unmade bed,

I also didn’t put on something and then take it off to finally put the first outfit back on because it caused the least offence in my head…or to others.

I pulled out the T-shirt I wanted, the shorts I knew id put in the drawer clean (don’t you just love it when you know you have clean clothes in the correct place) I even had a Matching Pair of socks in my bedside table..this was a sign, and my Calvin Klein Undies where folded and ready for me.

“A bit of a back story on my pants. I bought them on sale at Calvin Klein with Student Discount on top and was sure I’d bagged a bargain. The day they arrived was a joyous occasion..I opened the perfect packages (pardon the pun) and they had a bulge in the crotch. I had bought men’s briefs. Oh how we laughed..well I was alone so I laughed then cried a little as I couldn’t even get pants correct that day” #readthedescription

All the correct clothing was in place although I throw a pair of Pink leggings that I would NEVER wear alone under my shorts and a pink blazer than I actually believed in my head was the same shade of pink as the leggings (IT WASNT) but I didn’t care.

I packed my Uni Bags and jumped in that Taxi happy and content with my outfit..and that’s where I am writing this currently.

….5 hours later….

My outfit was described as looking comfortable and ready for action so that is my mantra for today..I keep telling myself that I should dress for myself and not other but I think that is one life lesson I will be in constant battle with.

Anxiety around what to wear I think could stem from school and having to have the right footwear or the on trend bag or you would be scared of ridicule.

So why at the age of 34 do I still seek peer approval and does being a fashion student come with some sort of style responsibility and does having this title make people look to you for guidance.

It’s definitely a trademark title that I’m not sure I want to be held accountable for…I can’t even buy the right gender underwear..not that I think underwear should be gendered…I just didn’t have the equipment to fill that space.

The Importance of New Pyjamas…

I recently offloaded some of my preloved baby essentials to a close friend who’s a First Time Mum (Cot, HighChair, Baby Gate ect). Amongst these larger items was a bag of baby Clothes that where still the colour they started off as so I knew they would be well received.

As someone who really struggled the second time around with newborn motherhood and having Depression and Anxiety Disorder I knew how Lonely but consuming that time can be.

Something that many people really enjoy is the feeling of new Pyjamas. And this takes me back to the bag of Baby clothes. I knew my friend had been struggling with newborn baby lockdown/Isolation sadness and it’s bad enough without having Soft Play and Mother and Baby Groups not on offer to make us get out of our Pyjamas and leave the house.

So in that Bag of old preloved baby clothes I put a brand new pair of Fluffy Pyjamas. I had bought some myself the day before and remembered how excited I was to get home and get them on.

I wouldn’t have to dig through the piled up washing basket, or have to rummage on the floor sniffing clothes to see which I can get away with another night. I could just get home and put them on and be ready to deal with the evenings events.

The gift of Comfort was well received and she sent me a message the next day to say she was NEVER taking them off and that she was usually a Nighty person but the Purple Leopard Print Fleeced Twosie had done it’s job and I was happy that I could help.

It’s amazing how clothes can make us feel..but one thing I can confirm is that new Pyjamas beats them all hands down….zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Fashion Student – The Covid Year

Last week saw my second year of Uni begin and the next chapter of my Fashion Degree Unfold into what can only be described as The Year That Hasn’t been.

With 75% of my University Course now presented in the comfort of my home VIA Zoom I really do have empathy for those on a creative course who don’t have that mindset and headspace to be spoken at and not have as much of that hands on approach we are all in love with.

During my 1st year I had just overcome serious Mental Setbacks and was battling agoraphobia so to come from a place in which I had just been able to leave the house to being thrust into a world in which I was now not allowed to leave my house you can imagine the confusion and adaptability I had to adhere.

Zoom Lecture

My Tutors have been great during this Change in learning lifestyle and have been such a lifeline of support and we forget they are also creatives who are adapting to this alien style of teaching and would also prefer to be a more hands on support but are playing the hand they are dealt at the moment and I really do commend them during this troubled time.

I will be filming my next Entry this week to show you how Life on Campus has Changed for students at my University.

Working on a Summer Project/Home Learning

#fashion #lockdown #university #student #covidlearning #covid #zoomlearning #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #agoraphobia #adobe #tutor

Back To School

After months of lie-ins, PJ days, Netflix watching and binge eating the has finally come when my eldest goes back to school…(my toddler goes to a private nursery that never closed woohoo)

It was exciting but scary..the best bit was shopping for new School Supplies….UNIFORM!!!

But of course the retail world has changed dramatically since March when we all got Grounded by BORIS 😷 and I knew this year would be interesting to observe how Panic Buy School mums would react to the new regime.

I am obviously one of those mums…first Stop Uniform which I had to make an appointment at the shop to purchase a small tiny cardigan for a mini Diva (who changes her Outfit more in an hour than A Catwalk Model)…well…I fell at the first hurdle and decided I wasn’t gonna rush my 50% off McDonald’s for a Cardigan that would end up getting lost or flung around a playground, or covered in paint/glue/blood….so I missed my window for that…Next was Trainers…NOPE…sold out of every kids size 10 trainer in every shop (that I didn’t have to que for or take out a small mortgage to buy) FUMING isn’t the word..though I did manage a nice pink school coat in JD that she chose herself as long as she could buy the CROP TOP that matched it?????

I got royally shafted for a school bag in SMIGGLE which cost me £50 but I got a free lunch bag..??? (FYI I don’t think it was free) and then moved on the our final wall to climb…The School Shoes…😳

So I made an online appointment at Clark’s and after the trainer fiasco I was worried but I let Diva take the lead….so we go to the shop and still had to que outside (10mins most) which by the look of the parents in the que who didn’t book was the most parent smug I had been all day.

Well…Clark’s sort of saved the Day…shoes (several options which Diva chose herself) pumps (she will prob wear them 10 times) and Trainers…not really the trainers I would of chose but hey the woman can talk a 6 year old into believing they are Elsa Trainers as they were silver with sparkles on…I can’t remember the ladies name at the Bolton Store but from the bottom of this tired parents sore feet…..THANKYOU.

I know people give Clark’s a lot of grief for how expensive it is…but I always tell parents that the quality speaks for itself..well made and good fitting shoes for feet that are still growing…and they basically give your kid abit of control and choice for them self’s….but No love I don’t want half price women’s shoes Iv just spent £80…guess it’s a pasty and the bus home for us now….#poorparents #humour #backtoschool

Ended up using last years Cardigan..but short on the arms but it will do for now 🤣

Coming Out Of The Tunnel

So as we are ‘technically’ done with Lockdown and are coming out of the other end of this madness..I have a few questions on my mind.

What is the future of Clothes? I’m beginning to regret my Choice of Degree and starting to worry that my vacation and career choice won’t be their once I’m ready to enter to work place?

Will the Zoom Counselling session become the Norm? I have several WAI members who now have there sessions via video calls, I can barely talk to people on the phone so I haven’t tried this yet and still think I’m not ready for therapy and social distancing for someone who was overcoming agoraphobia has just added to the problem.

Is student Life now a thing of the past? This is something I have yet to experience but is coming up fast and I have noticed a change I. The semester timetable coming up. I shall be reviewing and commenting on this in October.

EBay Bargains:

Vintage Nike Air Jordans Size UK 6 £18

The World has Gone BRAZY

So I’m organising a small gathering of the WAI (Women’s Anxiety Institute) and tried to order a few bits from Ocado…no delivery till Wednesday…FUCK

Next I try and Order the same Bits (minus a few things) from Tesco…No delivery Till Tuesday…FUCK

Tried Asda……Sunday…..DOUBLE FUCK

Went to Aldi to watch some grown ass women argue over Pasta and toilet roll and nappies….what meals are these people making….

You will be pleased to know I got the bits I needed with a few Menu Changes…now I hate having any kind of social interaction with anyone in the most normal of times…but seriously WTF why why why

I now have to cook things I could of bought ready made as I had a menu of nibbles and I can’t be bothered changing the menu.

People with normal anxiety panic Buying…it’s a good job I don’t have any type of germ anxiety…but I do have friends that do…

STOP BEING BRAY BRAY and leave us some Pasta bitches…

On a more fashionable note I wonder if you can buy customer designer masks for this..I’m calling it the Corona Virus look 2020b

#coronavirus #dressforyou #selfisolate #brazy

Are Shoes Helping My Anxiety?

My EBay habit seems to be swaying towards Shoes these Days, maybe it’s because when I was a kid my Nan (I grew up with my Paternal Nan) couldn’t afford really cool shoes and would buy my Trainers from the Catalogue on Special occasions so she could pay em off weekly.

Shoes (like handbags) can be a great investment if you are willing to spend the money for a good pair. I have begun to search for Vintage and Sale Shoes that I can keep in bags and pass on for a tidy sum in a later life.

My Pure Leather Gucci Boots are one of the pair I had to have once I saw one of my closest friends wearing a pair. What most women don’t realise or they do but don’t speak it aloud is that these beautiful supple Leather crafted Boots are made for the more slender of leg and not of those with a wider calf span.

So this brings me into my Next Tip: Find Yourself a Good Cobbler, mine is called Dave and he is an independent Business Owned Cobbler (don’t go to Timpsons) and has experience in Leather and High Quality Stitching. I think me crying on his floor “Please don’t break my babies” gave him enough incentive.

If you are wondering what he did in the end he put me a whole new panel in so I could zip them up the man is a genius and i would never go anywhere else

I also have a Pair of Vintage Manolo Blahnik leopard print boots in their original dust bag that I managed to win on EBay for less than £100….I still can’t bring myself to wear them.

My Blue Bailey Ugg Boots I have had for over a year (bought for £48 second hand) and I practically live in them in the winter months but as much as they are called Snow Boots they have ironically have caused me to fall over in Icy Conditions more than any other Boots iv owned.

As I have gotten wiser (older) I now usually choose Function over Fashion for my Footwear when I can manage to leave the house and be amongst the Normals but it doesn’t mean I have to compromise with Quality and have replaced My Cheap Heels with Expensive Low heeled boots or I will style my outfit with a Timberland Boot or Rocket Dog Brogue.

I still have shoes that I cannot dare to part with or haven’t Evan worn and I also have my list of shoes I still want including Jimmy Choos and Christian Louboutin Red Soles…but I will also try to get them at the best price and in the best quality I can.


#shoeaddict #anxiety #gucci #fashion #ebay #boots #mentalhealth #manoloblahnik #shoes #bargain #uggboots


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